Beyond Attachment to Parents: Children Need Community

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For good biological reasons, children want & need to move beyond their parents.
Published on July 20, 2013 by Peter Gray in Freedom to Learn

I’m all for natural parenting.  The basic premise of such parenting, at least as I view it, is that you trust your children’s instincts and judgments. For example, you recognize that a baby who is crying is a baby who needs something, and you try to figure out what that need is and satisfy it. You don’t let a baby “cry it out.”  You recognize that throughout our evolutionary history babies and young children always slept with their mothers or other adults or older siblings, never alone, and that sleeping alone is terrifying for many young children (see post here).  You recognize that babies and children, like all of us really, crave physical contact, and you provide it.  You don’t push it when it’s not wanted, but you provide it and welcome it when it is wanted.

The key concept here is sensitivity. To understand what a child wants and needs, and especially to understand what a non-verbal baby wants and needs, you have to be in tune with that person.  You have to be able to see the world from the child’s point of view.  That requires empathy.  This isn’t really any different from the requirements for any other close relationship.  To have a goodmarriage, you must be able to empathize with your spouse.  To be a good friend, you must be able to empathize with your friend.  Your spouse, your friend, and your child are not you; they have different needs and wishes than you do, but to have a good relationship with them you must be sensitive to their needs and wishes.

Natural parenting is often equated with attachment parenting, and that is fine as long as we are careful about what we mean by “attachment.”  Children are not designed, by nature, to attach just to the mother, or just to the mother and father. They are, for good biological reasons, designed to form multiple attachments, to many of the people in a community.  It is important to recognize here that the private nuclear family, living in a house apart from others in the community, is, from an evolutionary perspective, an unnatural environment.

Throughout most of human history, prior to the development of agriculture, people lived not in houses but in what are best described as camps.  The basic social unit was the band, which consisted typically of about 20 to 50 people who cooperated with one another and who moved from campsite to campsite as needed to follow the available game and edible vegetation.  At each campsite they built small, temporary huts to sleep in, all clustered together.  Except when they were asleep, people spent their time outdoors with all of the other band members.  Marriages existed, and children had special relationships with their parents, but parents did not “own” their children in the way that people in our culture think of parents as owning their children.  In many ways, the children were children of the entire band.  Everyone took part in every child’s care.  Everyone developed some kind of relationship with every child; and children, even babies, were active partners in forming those relationships.

From an evolutionary perspective, it makes perfect sense that children would want to form close relationships with many different people, not just their parents.  For starters, during most of human history, parents often died before their children were grown.  Losing a parent is always a very sad event; but it is not a fatal event for a child who has close relationships with others who are already involved in the child's care.  Perhaps even more important, the goal ofchildhood, in our culture as well as in hunter-gatherer cultures, is to become an independent being who can form relationships with lots of different people—relationships that are essential for survival and reproduction.  You don’t learn to do that by paying attention just to your mother and father. You learn it by paying attention to lots of different people, who have different personalities and needs and different things to offer.  Another goal of childhood is to educate yourself, that is, to acquire the ideas, lore, knowledge, skills, and values of the culture in which you are growing.  If you were to try to do this by attending just to your parents, you would learn only a narrow slice of all that is out there and you would not prepare yourself well for the world.

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